When I started writing this blog, I had nothing more, or less, in mind than gratitude. Simply to be thankful for all the good things in my life, each and every one of which has been given to me, directly or indirectly, by the grace of God. I intended to write as a reminder (mainly to myself) that even in a day that looked utterly dreadful, there was always something, if only a fleeting moment, that was good and wonderful. That every day contained a blessing, and each day was itself a blessing.
Life is complicated though ( a blessing in itself, though if often doesn't feel that way), and it has been very hard at times to keep sight of the blessings, or, for that matter, to spot them at all. Illness, sadness, disappointment, loss, anger... they can seem so all-consuming, so much bigger than the little things that make us smile. But in the end, the little things are infinitely more powerful than any catastrophe that life can throw at us. Those of you who know me will know that I don't say that lightly, nor do I think that it makes the awful things that happen any less painful. Life hurts. But I thank God I can feel pain, because it means I'm alive. I thank God for the heartache, because it means I love and I hope. I thank God that even when I feel like I'm running on empty, my reserves are somehow replenished so that I am given the strength to carry on, and to do things I never would have thought possible.
I thank God that I can get angry with Him, and I can ask Him "why?", and still He stays with me and keeps on loving me. I thank God that even when I handle my life and my self so badly, He forgives me and reminds me that His gift, once given, is for all eternity. I thank God for crying with me, and not minding (too much) when my prayers are full of complaints and requests and I might be forgetting to give as much as I could be. I thank God for taking all the pain I pile on Him, and for hurting more so I suffer less. I thank God for walking beside me when I wake and for watching over me as I sleep. I thank God for never giving up on me, even when I feel like giving up on myself.
I thank God for loving me, which is the most blessed thing anyone could ever do.
Henri Nouwen writes, "Gratitude as a discipline involves a conscious choice. I can choose to be grateful even when my emotions and feelings are still steeped in hurt and resentment. it is amazing how many occasions present themselves in which I can choose gratitude instead of a complaint...I can choose to speak about goodness and beauty, even when my inner eye still looks for someone to accuse or something to call ugly."
I choose gratitude.
