Are you there, human? It's Me, God.

Do you ever get the feeling God/the universe is trying to tell you something? I spend quite a lot of time asking God questions, ranging from "what am I supposed to be doing with my life?" to "why can't I just eat cake all the time?" - and He never, but never, seems to give me a direct answer. Most annoying, but I suspect God doesn't work that way for most people. What I think He does do is keep open the lines of communication from His end; God constantly reaches out to us, but we don't always see or hear him, because sometimes we just can't or just don't want to. It's scary to listen to God. He might be saying something you really don't want to hear, and what happens then? So we put up walls, or I do anyway - because I am scared, suspicious, stubborn, worried, angry, or for whatever reason have too much internal noise to hear the still small voice of God. 

He is always there though. That is the point of Him. He doesn't go away. Not ever, believe it or not, and it can be so hard to believe it sometimes, even if you know it. And while most of us probably don't have daily visions of Him, or hear him a la the Metatron in Dogma or Morgan Freeman in Bruce Almighty (you might, I don't), I do believe He tries to get through to us all the time. He is there in prayer, in the people we meet, in the books we read, the music we hear, the art we create, the world He has made - look at a sunrise or a sausage dog and tell me God had nothing to do with that.

This is all wonderful but not terribly specific. However, now and then I think there is something God really wants us to hear, and then I think He goes all out to make sure we get the message. Now I don't know about you but I tend to be fairly oblivious and usually need to be hit over the head with it before I get it. And that's the kind of week I've had. Everywhere I've turned, every other person I've spoken to, every random moment I've experienced, I've been hearing the same thing.

There's this great story in Matthew 14:22-32: Jesus has fed the five thousand, and tells the disciples to get in a boat and cross the lake at Galilee while he goes off alone to pray. A storm arises in the middle of the night when the boat is far from the shore and everyone panics. Jesus walks out on the water to the boat, and everyone freaks out, convinced he's a ghost or spirit. Jesus tells them not to worry, it's just him, and Peter says, "If it really is you, tell me to come to you on the water." Jesus does so, and Peter start to walk towards him on the water. Everything is fine while Peter keeps his eyes on Jesus, then he notices the wind, panics, and starts to sink. He cries out, "Lord, save me!", and Jesus reaches out to him and catches him saying, "You of little faith, why did you doubt?". And when Peter and Jesus climbed into the boat, the wind died down - at which point the relieved disciples worshipped him saying, "Truly You are the Son of God."

Wonderful, and so apt for me at the moment. I feel a lot like Peter; as long as I keep my focus on the Lord, everything's fine - or at least I feel like it's all going to be ok. I trust. But I get distracted, and panic, and then I flail. It reminds me of when I was learning to play the piano and my teacher used to get me to memorise the music. I'd be playing along from memory quite happily, with the score in front of me "just in case", and it would be perfect until I suddenly realised I hadn't turned the page in ages, doubted myself, and my beautiful Chopin would collapse into a rubble of dischord and missed notes. Oh you of little faith, why did you doubt?

I also feel a lot like the disciples: I'm inclined not to really believe with all my heart until the storm has been calmed. The problem is, some storms keep raging for a lot longer than I can keep my focus. 

Anyway, everywhere I have turned recently I have been hit over the head with Matthew 14. I went to the BBC Proms for the first time this year, and randomly chose a performance of Elgar's The Apostles - guess what a big chunk of that was about? My favourite stained glass window in my new church (shown to me by the lovely, intuitive vicar who thought it would speak to me) depicts - you guessed it - Jesus calming the storm. The readings in every other service/bible study/random discussion I've had in the last week or so? Matthew 14. The passage a spiritual director gave me to read on retreat? Matthew 14. 

You think He's trying to tell me something? I don't believe in coincidence, but I do believe in a divine plan of such magnificent scale that it's beyond my comprehension. And in the meantime, while my bark is tempest tossed, it's rather nice to know that He will calm the storm and as long as I keep my eyes on Him, anything is possible.

TFTD - A little less conversation, a little more action please

"He preaches well who lives well.  That's all the divinity I know."

                                                                                      - Miguel de Cervantes -

TFTD - Everlasting love

"The friendship of Jesus is lasting.  Other friends may grow old and cold.  It is not so with the friendship of our Savior.  Other friends may possibly misunderstand us, Jesus never.  His love is the same in youth as in old age.  The friendship will rather grow stronger in old age.  When you have lost what to you seemed everything, and you find yourself friendless and alone, despised and forsaken, Jesus will be your dear and precious friend."

                                                                                             - Leaves of Gold -

Being Martha

"Martha, Martha, you are worried and distracted by many things; there is need of only one thing. Mary has chosen the better part, which will not be taken away from her." Luke 10:41-42

Most of us are familiar with the Biblical story of Mary and Martha, told in Luke 10:38-42. Jesus and his disciples were on their way, moving from town to town, village to village. At this particular village, Martha welcomed Jesus into her home. Martha scurried around, making sure there was food, shelter - everything her guests might need. She didn't stop for even a moment, not while there was still work to be done. Mary, meanwhile, sat at Jesus' feet and just listened to what he was saying. Eventually, tired and frustrated, Martha appeals to Jesus to tell Mary to get up and help her. And what does he do? He rebukes her!

At least, that is how I saw it for many years, and I must say, I took it deeply personally. I was as hurt as if Jesus had appeared before me, tutted, and told me off. Because I am, and always have been, very much a Martha. I do. If I'm not doing, I don't feel right. I don't feel that I'm living with purpose unless I'm trying my hardest to take care of everyone and everything. And there has always been a part of me very much in sympathy with my Biblical namesake; I too feel like saying to Jesus that it's all very well to sit and listen, but if that's all everyone ever did nothing would get done! And then where would we be? Jesus hit the nail on the head with me - I am worried and distracted by many things. 

But as with so many things, context is everything. The story of Mary and Martha is immediately preceded by the parable of the Good Samaritan, which suggests that comtemplating without doing is at best a futile exercise; at worst, it can cost a life. Yet Jesus tells Martha "there is need of only one thing" - to listen. So which is it?

Once I stopped being so offended at Jesus for speaking to Martha as he did, I grew puzzled. Because Martha was an important part of Jesus' ministry. Jesus could have provided food, water and shelter for himself and his followers but he didn't, not on this occasion anyway - Martha did. She provided hospitality and in doing so, helped make it possible for Jesus to provide for others, to do what was important for him to do. In her own small way, she helped to enable Jesus' ministry. Taking care of people was her ministry. Martha served. 

And perhaps this is why Jesus tells her to take a time-out. No one can keep going and going and going without burning out, as I have learned the hard way. Martha loves Jesus, so she serves him the best way she knows how. Jesus loves Martha, so he tells her she needs to strike a balance. He is not telling Martha her work is worthless, or to stop completely. He is telling her not to get so caught up in it that it takes over her life, that her purpose is lost in the sheer volume of tasks she takes upon herself. Jesus reminds Martha of the importance of giving him her undivided attention. 

Returning to the idea of context, I also think Jesus is offering Martha a kind of freedom. Jesus was unconventional, he challenged expectations; and I think he is letting Martha know she can do the same. At that time, in that place, a good woman's place was very much in the home, her role largely domestic. Women were not supposed to be scholars, or agents for social or political change. By allowing Mary to sit at his feet, Jesus was going against religious and social custom on at least two fronts. It was not quite the done thing to be in such close physical proximity to a woman one was not related to, nor was it usual for a Rabbi to be imparting his teachings to a woman. Jesus was inviting Martha to draw nearer to Him, and showing her she too could listen and learn. She did not have to be confined to a single role, important as that role was.

There is nothing wrong with Martha, nor is there anything wrong with Mary. But what I need in my life, what so many of us need, is to strike a spiritual balance between these two seemingly conflicting aspects of our personalities. As an inveterate Martha, it is such a gift to me to be reminded just to stop and listen. To be given permission to let go of my concerns, my busyness, the fragmented nature of my life, is a blessing indeed. To be invited to stop for a while, and just be with the God who loves me, is truly wonderful. To be reminded to listen, and be guided in my actions by what God has to say to me, by what he wants for me, is a necessity I have realised I cannot live without. 

I didn't fully appreciate the value of just listening until I drove myself to a breakdown. Even then, I found it almost impossible to stop. Sheer momentum, force of habit, and a distorted sense of self-worth tied to the accomplishment of concrete tasks kept me going. When I couldn't keep going, I became depressed. And then I lost my words. When I can't do, I begin to have trouble speaking, writing, sharing. I withdraw into myself, and I struggle to break free again. The sense of my own failure oppresses me and smothers my voice. I am so thankful to have people in my life who understand this, who point it out to me when it's happening, and who just keep loving me through the hard times. I am so thankful to the people who helped me understand this about myself, and who did (and keep doing) me the service of listening to me.

How ironic, that I have always valued myself by how much I can do for others - and the greatest gift I have been given is to be listened to, to be heard. Thank God for Mary! Thank Christ for the listeners! I have always been happy to be a listener, but I never appreciated this aspect of myself. I thought it was nothing. I thought it was not enough simply to be present - largely because I always thought I was not enough. I have had, for years, a monumental double standard when it comes to valuing service, with myself on one side, always having to do more and try harder, and everyone else on the other side, where it is enough that they just be who they are. 

It is temping to vilify Martha and exemplify Mary. It is tempting to dismiss Martha, as Jesus seemed to be doing. It is tempting to criticise Mary as being selfish, taking the opportunity to learn and letting Martha do all the work without offering to help. But the scripture is more complex than that, as life is more complex than that, as we are more complex than that.

It is not about being one or the other. We are called to be Martha: to provide food and shelter to all God's children, to nurse them when they are ill, to provide for their physical needs, to fill the need that surrounds us. We are also called to be Mary: to sit, to listen, to provide a safe space for people to tell their stories, to let people be heard. We are called to serve, and Jesus through his life has shown us just how many ways there are to do this, all of which mean something, all of which are part of the larger design. 

We are called to be like Jesus: to provide hospitality to everyone, even if - especially if - society considers them "second class" for some reason. We are called to make space at the margins, and to do what we can to free our brothers and sisters from the roles and ties that bind and oppress them. We are called to extend freedom to all God's children so that they can simply be. 

And that has to start with me. With you. We have to give ourselves the freedom to be who we are, and then just to be. 

TFTD - Ain't no mountain high enough

"No storm is so great, no wave is so high, no sea is so deep, no wind is so strong, that Jesus cannot either calm it or carry us through it." 

                                                                                   - Anne Graham Lotz -

Do not be afraid

Do you ever get the sense that someone is trying to tell you something? I have spent a lot of time, especially in the last five or so years, wishing and hoping and praying that God would speak to me, give me direction, explain a few things - explain everything. I've always been a woman with a plan (usually at least a ten year plan) and I find it really difficult to not know what is coming next. For most of my life, I have fought, hard, to maintain as much control as possible over those aspects of living I thought I could control. I worked hard and tried my best, and expected things to turn out well because I had always been told that if I did what I was supposed to, if I did what was expected of me, I would get what I was striving for. 

And it worked, for a while. I accumulated degree after degree, and kept waiting for the happiness to kick in. I did all the things I was supposed to, and could not understand why that unspecified, nebulous something wonderful I was waiting for didn't seem to be materialising. Then the concrete markers of success began to fail me; or rather, I felt that I was beginning to fail - at life in general. I couldn't seem to achieve enough any more. After years of being a super-achiever, I seemed to hit a brick wall. My best was no longer good enough, for myself or for those I had been trying to please. Worst of all, I didn't really know why I was doing any of it. 

So, I started asking myself what I wanted (I'm not sure I know the answer yet by the way). And that led me, mercifully quickly, to asking what God wanted of and for me. Which led me to pleading for a word, a sign, something! Because discernment is hard (as so many of you know)! It is hard to try to hear what God might be saying to you, to listen to what you know or are discovering about yourself, to face what others have to tell you about yourself. What if you are asked to go in a direction you are not inclined to follow? What if it makes you uncomfortable, or doesn't match the plans and expectations you had for yourself? What if people say things to you about yourself you find difficult to just to hear, let alone truly confront? But how will you change and grow if you don't face these things? And you know what the really challenging thing is?

"In obedience to discernment, more discernment will come. We need to be attentive and alert in order to hear and understand God's call and then act, knowing that God blesses even our mistakes." (Unknown)

Well! That's all very well, but it's really challenging for a control-freak, type A personality like myself! And therein lies the rub: control. Or rather, relinquishing control. Anyone attempting any form of discernment (spiritual, directional, practical etc) is sooner or later going to come across some form of advice on getting out of one's comfort zone, making a leap of faith, letting go of whatever you've been holding on to so tightly... you get the picture. I don't know about you, but I find letting go absolutely terrifying. I have often thought that if I could get to the place where I can genuinely hand everything over to God, I would be so much happier. 

Because what a wonderful idea, what a generous offer! Hand it all over to God. Trust in Him. How positively restful! But much as I want to, I just. Can't. Do. It. I fight to retain some semblance of control, even as life proves to me how futile that is. And for me, what it all boils down to is fear. Fear of letting go, fear of failing, fear of the unknown, fear of disappointing everyone, fear that I am going to make some horrible, catastrophic, irreversible mistake. Fear that I am somehow going to lose everyone and everything. Nameless, bottomless, all-consuming fear.

Which is madness (but very human). What do I, who am so loved by my Father that He made the ultimate sacrifice for me, really have to fear? Sure, nasty things happen, but that is not the sum of the human experience. The cross did not make Christ's life less. 

So, what has God been saying to me? I haven't got the answer I've been praying for - but that might be because I'm asking the wrong question, or because I haven't learnt how to listen. There is still a lot of noise in my head and my heart drowning out the still small voice of the One who loves me. But what I have been told, again and again, in one form or another, is this: Do not be afraid. In preparing this blog post alone I randomly came across the following (and quite a bit more):

"Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known God." (Corrie Ten Boom)

"All I have seen teaches me to trust the Creator for all I have not seen." (Ralph Waldo Emerson)

"Do not be afraid. Our fate cannot be taken from us; it is a gift." (Dante Alighieri, Inferno)

It might not be the answer I was looking for (I do so love specifics). But it is what I need to hear, to comfort me, to strengthen me, and to move me forward. It is what I keep hearing, and so it is what I feel I have to share with you. Do no be afraid.

"None of us knows what might happen even the next minute, yet still we go forward. Because we trust. because we have Faith." (Paulo Coelho, Brida).

The Day's Result

The Day’s Result

Is anybody happier because you passed his way?

Does anyone remember that you spoke to him today?

The day is almost over and its toiling time is through;

Is there anyone to utter now a kindly word of you?

Did you give a cheerful greeting to the friend who came along,

Or a churlish sort of “Howdy”; then vanish in the throng?

Were you selfish, pure and simple, as you rushed along your way,

Or is someone mighty grateful for a deed you did today?

Can you say tonight, in parting with the day that’s slipping fast,

That you helped a single brother of the many that you passed?

Is a single heart rejoicing over what you did or said?

Does the man whose hopes were fading now with courage look ahead?

Did you waste the day or lose it, was it well or poorly spent?

Did you leave a trail of kindness, or a scar of discontent?

As you close your eyes in slumber, do you think that God would say,

“You have earned one more tomorrow by the work you did today?”

                                                                                - Unknown -

God's valentine

TFTD - You have Christ, and Christ has you

"Christ has no body on earth now but yours, no hands but yours, no feet but yours.  Yours are the eyes through which to look out Christ's compassion to the world.  Yours are the feet with which He is to go about doing good, and yours are the hands with which he is to bless us now."

                                                                                      - Teresa of Avila -

The greatest thing you'll ever learn/ Is just to love/And be loved in return

"He will rip through every obstacle in your life if you put a demand on His passion. You have no idea how much He loves you."

                                                                             - Tommy Tenney -

Writing this, it suddenly occurs to me that I really do have trouble comprehending a love so vast. If I fully understood it, I think it would resolve a lot of my doubts, fears and anxieties and I would probably sleep a lot better at night! I ask what feels like a lot of God in my prayers, but to be honest I hold back a lot because a part of me feels like I have no right to ask for more. But why should I feel like that in the presence of a God who loves me so much that He gave His only begotten son for me? Who loves me so much that He forgives me everything, and is endlessly patient in the face of my innumerable mistakes and frailties? Who keeps on speaking to me, trying to get me to hear His words of love and to tell me what He wants for me even when I am so deafened by the voices in my own head that I usually can't get anywhere close to the silence I need to hear His still, small voice?

So why don't I ask for everything? God would give it to me, He really would, if I would only ask and truly trust and believe I would get it. Matthew 7:7-11 says:

"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened. Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!"

Now I really don't think that's in the Bible for fun. God's word means something; it means everything. and God tells us, if we ask, we shall receive. But we have to ask with our whole hearts. If I close my heart, or a part of it, to God, then I cut myself off from His blessings. If I won't open the door to God, how can He come in? God doesn't force His way in - He waits to be invited, willingly. If I am resisting God, because I can't fully trust Him, then I am also resisting the good He is trying to work in my life. 

God doesn't guarantee a world or a life free from pain or suffering, or even from pettiness and meanness. All that is part of the fallen world we live in, and the pain we choose to inflict on each other is a casualty of free will - which is not to say that free will is a bad thing. It just means that we have a responsibility, not only to ourselves but to one another. What God does promise is that He will be with us, right beside us, always, no matter what. You might still fall off your bicycle, but your heavenly Father will always be there to help you up, wipe away your tears, and cry with you, because your pain is His pain. 

So, I am trying to learn to call on His passion. Perfect love casts out fear, and His love is perfect. I feel fear because I don't allow myself to feel His love, because I don't truly believe I am worthy of being loved like that, or maybe even at all. But the point of God's love is there is no need to be worthy of it. We don't have to do anything to deserve it. It is not contingent on us. The only reason we are here at all is because God loves, so all we have to do is just be. Just be, and learn to be loved. I might never be able to fully grasp the breadth and depth of God's love, but I can try to learn to trust it, and accept it. Maybe then I'll get a little closer to living the life God wants for me, which must by definition be far more wonderful than anything I could possibly imagine for myself because it has come from a place of pure love. 

All I have to do is just be, and learn to be loved. The peace of the Lord be with you. 

TFTD - Say what?

"If you want to know what God has to say to you, see what Christ was and is."

                                                                          - Charles Spurgeon -

He does know

“Our tendency in the midst of suffering is to turn on God. To get angry and bitter and shake our fist at the sky and say, "God, you don't know what it's like! You don't understand! You have no idea what I'm going through. You don't have a clue how much this hurts." 

The cross is God's way of taking away all of our accusations, excuses, and arguments. The cross is God taking on flesh and blood and saying, "Me too.” 


                                                                                     - Rob Bell -


(I can't say it any better!)

Servanthood

"We need to arrange a servanthood conference, with workshops in love, forgiveness, feet-washing, cross bearing- in short, workshops in Christlikeness. God is not waiting for people to get big enough to use, but to get small enough in their own eyes for Him to entrust with His mission and Spirit. Christ cannot be represented by swaggering leaders who "lord it over" the flock of God. He cannot be represented by puffed-up laymen who nominate themselves as church bosses. He can be honestly manifested only in the lives of those who feel, as did Paul, that they are "less than the least of all the saints."

                                                                               - W. E. McCumber -

The day breaks and the shadows flee this Christmas time

"I salute you. I am your friend, and my love for you goes deep. There is nothing I can give you which you have not already; but there is much, very much, which though I cannot give it, you can take. No heaven can come to us unless our hearts find rest in today. Take heaven. No peace lies in the future which is not hidden in this precious little instant. Take peace. The gloom of the world is but a shadow. Behind it, yet within our reach, is joy. There is radiance and courage in the darkness could we but see it; and to see, we have only to look. Life is so generous a giver, but we, judging its gifts by their coverings, cast them away as ugly or heavy or hard. Remove the covering, and you will find beneath it a living splendor, woven of love, and wisdom, and power. Welcome it, greet it, and you touch the angel's hand that brings it.

Everything we call a trial, a sorrow, a duty, believe me, that angel's hand is there, the gift is there, and the wonder of an overshadowing Presence. Our joys, too, be not content with them as joys. They, too, conceal diviner gifts. Life is so full of meaning and purpose, so full of beauty beneath its covering, that you will find earth but cloaks your heaven. Courage, then, to claim it, that is all! But courage you have, and the knowledge that we are pilgrims wending through unknown country our way home.

And so, at this Christmas time, I greet you, not quite as the world sends greeting, but with profound esteem now and forever.

The day breaks and the shadows flee away."

-This old Christmas greeting from a letter written between 1387-1455 by Giovanni da Fiesole (Fra Angelico)

Keep Christmas Within

Then let every heart keep Christmas within:

Christ's pity for sorrow,

Christ's hatred for sin,

Christ's care for the weakest,

Christ's courage for right.

Everywhere, everywhere,

Christmas tonight!

                                                   - Bishop Phillips Brooks -

(From Everywhere. Everywhere Christmas Tonight, a Christmas carol)

TFTD - How much?

The first hint of Christmas :)

"And in the sixth month the angel Gabriel was sent from God unto a city of Galilee, named Nazareth, to a virgin espoused to a man whose name was Joseph, of the house of David; and the virgin's name was Mary. And the angel came in unto her, and said, Hail, thou that are highly favoured, the Lord is with thee: blessed art thou among women. And when she saw him, she was troubled at his saying, and cast her mind in what manner of salutation this should be. And the angel said unto her, Fear not, Mary: for thou hast found favour with God. And behold, thou shalt conceive in they womb, and bring forth a son, and shalt call his name Jesus. He shall be great, and shall be called Son of the Highest: and the Lord God shall give unto him the throne of his father David: and he shall reign over the house of Jacob for ever; and of his kingdom there shall be no end."

                                                                         (Luke 1:26-33, KJV)

TFTD - Tend your lamp

"Don’t think that love, to be true, has to be extraordinary. What is necessary is to continue to love. How does a lamp burn, if it is not by the continuous feeding of little drops of oil? When there is no oil, there is no light and the bridegroom will say: “I do not know you”. Dear friends, what are our drops of oil in our lamps? They are the small things from every day life: the joy, the generosity, the little good things, the humility and the patience. A simple thought for someone else. Our way to be silent, to listen, to forgive, to speak and to act. That are the real drops of oil that make our lamps burn vividly our whole life. Don’t look for Jesus far away, He is not there. He is in you, take care of your lamp and you will see Him.”

                                                                                                      - Mother Teresa - 

*Image credit

TFTD

"The face of Christ does not indeed show us everything, but it shows us the one thing we need to know - the character of God. God is the God who sent Jesus."

                                                                                         - P Carnegie Simpson -

TFTD - raison d'etre

"The determining factor of my existence is no longer my past. It is Christ's past."
                                                             
                                                                          - Sinclair Ferguson -